To Mend a Broken Heart
Posted on June 26, 2012
I alluded to things in my personal life not going too well recently. Especially with regard to The Boy, who is not The Boy anymore, but maybe he’ll just be known as He Who Must Not Be Named (thanks to Jed). I’ve been told I’m handling the situation well, all things considered. That I had many opportunities to throw things in his face, but I’ve opted not to. What would I gain for pointing out that while he doesn’t want to “lead me on” from here on out, that’s essentially what he’d been doing for the last couple of months?? Yeah, I’d gain nothing. This doesn’t mean that I’m not sad about the situation. At the loss of potential that I believed was there. Cest’ la vie! I go on.
At the urging of a friend, I decided to app to Conquest. I knew going into it that I was severely undergeared for their current progression content, but I was told that the decision wasn’t going to rest solely on gear. There would be other things considered. To say I’m surprised my app was rejected is a lie. It wasn’t a surprise. It became clear to me that my view of the guild was a reflection of the people I interacted with. Needless to say, I’m glad for the rejection.
I’m not here to talk bad about Conquest or its members. Nor am I going to talk bad about Apotheosis or its members. I will talk about what I wanted, what I was hoping for, and how I’m feeling about the entire situation. A lot of this is stuff I’ve wanted to write about for a long ass time, but decided against it for some reason or another.
Departure from Apotheosis
Apotheosis was the first guild I ever joined in WoW. To say it holds a special place in my earliest WoW memories is an understatement. When I think about those first few weeks and months of playing WoW, I remember knowing no one but Kurn. I remember her rants and tirades about murlocs and how much she hated them. It makes me chuckle thinking about it, even today. I remember finishing zones, picking flowers, selling crap, going back to some city or another to train. I remember it all.
So when she said she was putting Apotheosis together for Cataclysm these fond memories came back. The nights I logged in just to chat with her and Daey. I figured since I didn’t have the time or inclination to raid before, maybe this expansion will be my time.
There were issues, as there are always issues. My play style. My attitude. Other attitudes. Willingness or unwillingness to change. There are some things I had to sacrifice to be part of the team, and there were other things I was left to my own devices to choose. Never once being told I was wrong or stupid for doing so.
The Apotheosis in my mind and the Apotheosis I was raiding with were two very different things. Slowly everyone that was recognizable had stopped raiding. Slowly recruitment brought more serious players, which changed the atmosphere of the guild and raiding. Eventually I was left wondering how I got here, and why am I bothering. It was never about any one person (or people). It was never about progression or lack of progression. It was about the overall mentality and drive of the guild. What the guild as a whole wanted, and what I wanted, were two totally different things.
So I stopped raiding.
It wasn’t an easy choice. I thought about it for months. I weighed the pros and cons, writing literal lists on occasion. I talked to IRL friends and I talked to in-game friends. I talked to people I trusted. And one day I didn’t need to ask if I was making the right decision anymore. It was the only decision left for me.
So why Conquest??
The decision to possibly app Conquest was also one that took time. There was a lot to think about. There was a lot of outside factors in the decision. In the end it I was told that Conquest was more in-line with what I was looking for. Not just raiding. Not just progression raiding. It was about so much more. Except that it wasn’t.
I realized that Conquest was Apotheosis 2.0. So the rejection was actually the best choice for everyone. Something in my gut said not to do it. I had this sinking feeling that something wasn’t quite right, but I had no idea what it was. I was told that they were a good bunch, and they might be. The people I’ve played with certainly are. The thing I learned is that they weren’t the group I thought they were going to be. They were a far-too-similar group to Apotheosis. Which means they are a bad choice for me.
I’m often reminded to trust my gut, and this is another one of those times where, had I trusted myself I might have avoided the embarrassment and disappointment. I learned that sitting in mumble during a progression night (or two) isn’t going to give you a very good reflection of a guild or its members. I learned that there is a guild, somewhere, that is a good fit for me and what I want to accomplish in WoW, but it’s unlikely I’ll find that guild on Twitter. Or Enjin. And maybe I need to work with those people I do enjoy raiding with and we can create our own guild to fit what we’re ALL looking for.
I also learned, that with every broken heart, with every disappointment, there is an opportunity to learn something about yourselves and others. Between what’s happened with He Who Shall Not Be Named and apping to Conquest, I’ve learned a lot about myself.
Most of all, it’s not the end of the world. And they’re not the last guild I’m ever going to be a member of.